Admitting Your Weakness to Team
It is almost 6 months now, we have been working in an uncertain period of pandemic time. We see unclear progress towards the betterment of handling this virus. At least that’s how I feel, especially in Indonesia. Not to mention that, as a knowledge worker crafting digital products, we always work with uncertainty and unknown things. We do not know if users are gonna love our improvement, we do not know if the business model will work, even we do not know if we will survive another year. So, we uncover those unknown things every day by conducting tests, digging a pile of data, and analyzing everything. The combination of work and changes impacted by pandemic has been overwhelming. I cracked, I cried and I let my team know.
I dealt with depression years ago that required me to have both psychotherapy and medication. I thought it was it and wished I wouldn’t hit another rock bottom until the last couple of weeks. I had been overwhelmed with the condition and the work. I have been hiding from everyone especially my team, the fact that I needed a break. I didn’t want to be perceived as incapable.
Last two weeks, there was an important presentation in the morning to our VP to get some feedback. I should have prepared the materials over the weekend, but I was too stressed out to look at my laptop so I let it slip. On the D-day, I panicked. Since the start of the day I had been feeling anxious because I didn’t prepare the way my “perfectionist” side wanted it to be. On the sync-up meeting before the presentation, I could barely think, my hands were shaking and my breath was short. The material I prepared was still raw. I had no other choice but to admit to the team, that I couldn’t do it and I needed help. Then I cried.
Instead of being treated like I was a loser, I felt cared for and understood. The team took parts in preparing the material I should have done myself within a very short time. They kicked it and we managed to deliver the message in the presentation then got the expected feedback we were after. It was a relief. I learned that I underestimated and to some degree disrespected my team by doubting their capability to sympathize and help me. I hid my need for their help.
Being a leader doesn’t mean I have to be a superhero capable of doing anything. Being a leader means I have to do whatever it takes for the team to be effective in delivering the outcome, even if it means that I have to admit I fail at my task and need help to fix it.
